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I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…

I grew up being afraid of being labeled crazy….

Many things in my life didn’t make sense or follow the norm… I saw and felt things that were non-explainable, I could do things… that other people couldn’t. If I talked to people about these things, I was labeled a liar… I learned early to block out anything that wasn’t logical and provable. I had to find a way to prove my truth…

Yet, when others find it, or a small portion of what I have experienced, I feel jealousy instead of joy. I feel a sense of resentment that they didn’t believe me when I told them… That they couldn’t believe until someone else told it to them and backed up my stories in such a way that the spark  finally ignited and the fires of truth started to burn inside of them.

One spark is all I want to ignite… to inspire, to gain their belief in ME…<<<<<<<<<<——-

Wow, so there she is… I wondered where she went… that little child who was supposed to save the world from THEM.  ME became my ego, my pride, my connection to THEM…

When I stop and ask myself if I got what I wanted… the answer is yes! I wanted proof that I wasn’t crazy… proof that the the things that to me are non explainable can and do happen.

Yet… once that proof is found it is no longer non explainable. They just KNOW.

And now the ember must be carried, and the torch must be passed to another, in the hopes to light a spark for another. Knowing all the while that THEY will never be able to lay claim to it.

Whether I am the ember, the spark, or the flame, I AM part of something much larger than MYSelf. 

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We Are all Human Beings…

The question is being what?

Yes you read that right…. Being what?

What are we BE~ing?

To Be, or not to Be… is no longer the only question we ask ourselves.

What is it that we are Be~ing? What is it that we are called to Be…?

Today I am being curious, I am being a writer…( maybe not a very good one… but still that is what I AM Be~ing in this moment).

I AM Here, I AM Now, I AM Present

I AM Be~ing

 

Follow me and I will make you fishers of men…

Do you want more followers? Really??? What kind of question is that on a site that is all about getting the word out and getting followers…

What are we fishing for? Who are we fishing for? Are we wanting to lead others? Where do we want to lead them? More importantly Why???

What is this impulse we have to communicate with the world at large?

Do we really want or need those connections???

Is it about getting real with ourselves?

Have we been living a lie?

What have we been lying to ourselves about?

If I follow you, is it because I like what you say? Or is it because I want you to like me… Or maybe even choose to follow me?

Do we follow someone for awhile then choose to discard them like a fish that we caught that didn’t fit our criteria? Too small, too large, too much drama, not enough drama, etc…

Is our underlying hope to catch a fish and to keep it hooked, keep it forever on our line? Where we can tighten and loosen as often as we please…forever toying with our prize.

Or maybe, just maybe, we want to catch the fish, feed it for a while, eat of its knowledge and then let it go so it can catch and feed others.

Why is this starting to sound like a marriage, or a parent letting go of their child? 

In the ocean there are schools of fish, that live and work together… Does this happen by happenstance? Or is there some unknown contract that they have made with each other?

Once knowledge is shared, is there a bonding? One that lasts forever?

I’m still fishing for the answers….

And Maybe, just maybe Now so are you….

 

Choice ~ The Final Fate

 The windows may be broken but my strength shields me I am a weapon of God and must not be toyed with. Whosoever taunts and plays in my fires will get burned in the ashes of their own folly. The love of God protects me, I am his and he is mine. I am the banner that waves over you. I am the rainbow of promise and I can be as a gentle wind or a fierce storm. Do not provoke my wrath, seek yet for my mercy. I am the final judgment, I am tired of waiting. I am death, I am life, I am fate, I am destiny, I am nature, I am the beginning and the end, I am truth and I am lies. Love me or fear me, hate me or desire me I am YOU. Look in your mirrors and see my reflection, see yourselves as you really are. Good or bad happy or sad it is your truth and it is your downfall. Lift yourselves up, create your own heaven or burn in your own fires it is your decision .

I AM CHOICE

 

I Wrote this over 7 years ago… Yet I continue to see the impact of these words in my life over and over. I especially hate it when they are used against me, or what I perceive as an attack…

Do I respect the person I am, or the person I have become?

I am the sum of my choices and my actions… I live that life… Am I truly happy?

Who is to blame for my unhappiness’s?

Do I take full responsibility?

I still have a ball of anger and resentment that my life is not what I had planned or hoped for…

Yet did I ever really plan or hope for anything tangible??? 

If I look closer, didn’t I get the things that truly mattered to me? Even if they didn’t happen in the time frame I desired…

I Am Here, I Am Present, I AM Now….

So why is it that I feel unfulfilled? That there is something lacking… Am I not enough? 

Are those I surround myself with not enough? Do I respect myself and others?

I find myself at odds with my answers….

How can there be more than ONE truth?

Can seeking Truth lead one into Chaos???

Can I choose how I bring order into my life?

Is it truly as simple as that…

Choose…

A Simple Truth

I choose to Believe

Inspired by my Faith

Surrendered to and surrounded by my Love…

 

 

What the Hell happened to ME???

 

Where did I go???

Somewhere I got lost… The I that I was supposed to be, the I of my Youth… The I that the girl of my youth envisioned.

I was going places, I was going to be somebody, I was more than what the product of my youth made me…. I wasn’t like THEM…. My family, those outcasts from societies norms. THEY were the bane of MY existence. THEY were the dysfunctional ONES. I was NOTHING like THEM!

Yet………. Somehow I knew I was…. I hated that small part of myself that knew THEM personally. I was THEM… Their demons resided deep inside of me hungering to take over my soul, my life, my dreams, and especially my nightmares. I became addicted to THEM. THEY were my EVERY thought …. Until THEY somehow changed and evolved into I.

My Ego had no place else to go….There was no way out….So it decided to go inward…..Deep, very deep, down into the very pit of hell itself. I became the biggest, baddest, most vile Demon of them all….

Yet… I knew somehow I was NOT!!! I was the lost child… I was the SAVIOR!!! I was the one that could lead all of THEM out of HELL. A child shall lead them and that child was ME…

So that brings us to the beginning….

What the HELL happened to ME???